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--- song:song-of-the-temperance-union [2018/07/09 12:20] – created Jeff Bigler
+++ song:song-of-the-temperance-union [2018/07/09 12:23] (current) – Jeff Bigler
@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
+====== The Song of the Temperance Union ======
+We're coming, we're coming, our brave little band
+On the right side of temp'rance we do take our stand.
+We don't use tobacco, because we do think
+That the people who use it are likely to drink
+**Chorus:**
+//Away, away, with rum, by gum,
+Rum by gum, rum by gum
+Away, away, with rum, by gum,
+The song of the Temperance Union.//
+We never eat fruitcake because it has rum,
+And one little slice puts a man on the bum.
+Oh, can you imagine the pitiful plight
+Of a man eating fruitcake until he gets tight?
+[//chorus//]
+A man who eats fruitcake lives a terrible life.
+He's mean to his children and beats on his wife.
+A man who eats fruitcake dies a terrible death,
+With the odor of raisins and rum on his breath!
+[//chorus//]
+We never eat cookies because they have yeast,
+And one little bite turns a man to a beast.
+Oh, can you imagine the utter disgrace
+Of a man in the gutter with crumbs on his face?
+[//chorus//]
+We never drink water -- they put it in gin,
+And one little sip and a man starts to grin.
+Oh, can you imagine a sorrier sight
+Than a man drinking water and singing all night?
+[//chorus//]
+We never eat peaches because they ferment,
+And a peach will ferment at the least little dent.
+Oh, can you imagine a sight more obscene,
+Than a man getting tipsy on peaches and cream!
+[//chorus//]
+Beware of plum pudding, the kind that they light.
+They drench it in brandy so it will ignite.
+The thought is revolting to temperate folk,
+For people go blotto inhaling the smoke.
+[//chorus//]
+We never touch coffee; it makes our eyes gleam,
+At least when they add Irish whiskey and cream.
+Oh, can you imagine a fate more unkind
+Than sluggin' down coffee and going stone blind?
+[//chorus//]
+We never drink milkshakes 'cause they're made with malt,
+And one little slurp makes your brain somersalt.
+Oh, can you imagine behavior so rash
+As bartop gymnastics with a frothy mustache
+[//chorus//]
+We never play jumprope 'cause jumpers take hops,
+And once they start hopping, they hops 'til they drops.
+This vile degradation starts out as a game
+And grammar school innocence turns into shame.
+[//chorus//]
+We never have backrubs because it's a crime,
+And we will oppose them in song and in rhyme.
+For an alcohol backrub is worse than straight gin
+When you think of the liquor absorbed through the skin.
+[//chorus//]
+We never use Brylcream 'cause that's got bay rum,
+And too many rubbings can turn your head numb,
+But if there's a thought that'll leave you in fits,
+Just imagine the millions of paralytic nits.
+[//chorus//]
+Now if you go hiking and get sores on your feet,
+Don't use rubbing spirits as a means for to treat,
+'Cause it seeps through the pores of your feet by osmosis,
+And you end up by having ten drunk little toesis.
+[//chorus//]
+We never eat cornflakes because they have malt,
+And we can't imagine a much greater fault.
+Oh, can you imagine a sight that's more droll
+Than a woman at breakfast slumped over her bowl!
+[//chorus//]
+We never dance Morris -- you have to drink ale,
+And respectable people, who see us, turn pale.
+Oh, can you imagine the staggering sight
+Of a man who drinks ale, dancing "Saturday Night?"
+[//chorus//]